Building trust within yourself ♡

Trough out my whole childhood my parents used to blame me for every mistake I made. It didn’t matter if the mistake was small or the other person was guilty too, It didn’t matter how I felt, the only thing that mattered was learning from my mistakes. Perhaps their intention was good but their approach didn’t help me as much as they thought. Those conversations always led to me  crying, being scared to talk to them, knowing I would get blamed and that it would be the same old story. I felt so much guilt, it completely destroyed me. I didnt learn to communicate my feelings because I felt scared that I would say something wrong and then get blamed again. It was an ongoing circle and it took so much from my life.

Not having any form of support at early stages of life I accustomed to finding that support in every single person I had met. I didint have privacy in my life not because it was inevitable but because I chose to. It was a form of survival. I needed other people to tell me what I did wrong, what I did right, to decide instead of me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to make decisions on my own because I had so little trust in myself. I had bigger circle of friends and anytime something happend in my life, even the smallest things I would immediately run to tell them. I craved their support, their approval and presence. Everyone knew everything about my life and It felt so embarrassing but I thought had no other choice.

Looking back on it,  It’s pretty clear to me now that those people no matter how well they know you, will never know how you feel deep inside. They will never know how would you communicate a certain issue. The past version of myself wasn’t aware of those things even if they were so simple and I forgive her for that. I know she didn’t know any better and trying to protect herself.

My parents were in disbelief of how was I, at the ripe age of 17, scared to make decisions on my own. Scared  to be okay with myself without  constantly needing company of other people. But I dont feel like a disappointment anymore, I dont feel like I wasted my time and that it’s too late for me now. Now I have my own voice telling me that’s okay to slow down. Its okay to make wrong decisions. Im proud of myself that Im finally becoming free of other people. Im becoming free of judgement, someone elses opinions and Im finally learning how to listen to my own thoughts.

The path of becoming free wasnt easy nor was pleasant. I had to go trough my fear of being blamed everytime I wanted to talk seriously with someone. I had to bring myself to shut down the negative voice in my head telling me that I just wasnt smart enough to think clearly. I had to detach from people I was so attached to, to finally find myself. It was really scary and sometimes it still is but I learned to not  be afraid anymore. Im capable of listening to myself and being okay with it, I dont care that I found my peace at the age of 17. Im proud that I even found it and that I continue to work on it every single day.

Here’s is my little go trough list of how to trust and build a connection with yourself.

Try to be fully honest

Recognize the pattern, write down your emotions and look back on them. Reread your diary and you will see the pattern you’re stuck in. What is it that’s holding you back? Is it the people you are so attached to? Is it the constant approval of others? Be honest and write it all down.

Be ready to feel uncomfortable

New beginnings are always frightening but if we dont try we cant know for sure what’s waiting for us on the other side. Be scared, feel embarrassed, cry as much as you feel like but at the end of the day still try. Try 5 minutes everyday, make small steps, dont feel the need to rush. You have all the time in the world and you chose how to spend it.

Take action

For me taking action is the hardest step along the way. It takes so much time to push my self to do unpleasant stuff even if they are for my benefit. Once you push trough, everyday will feel a little easier, like a slight breeze when you open the window. The most important thing is to to be fully aware of why is it important. Write in your dairy why is it important for you, what are the benefits? Everytime you want to give in and let that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach win remind yourself of everything you wrote.

Sometimes it’s hard for me too to be patient and to remind myself that healing and growing is a process like any other. It takes a lot of time, effort, patience but it’s all so worth it. Everyday I feel a little more carefree, I feel like Im building a strong bond with myself that no one can destroy ever again. Im learning to trust myself again. Dont doubt yourself, slowly and steady make progress. Progress doesn’t instantly have to be big or revolutionary instead try to push your limits by a little. You will start to notice that the weight of your shoulders will slowly start to lift of and you can finally look in the mirror and be proud of the person you’re becoming.